Boundaries Aren't Stated. They're Demonstrated.
You tell your team to log off at five. Then you send a follow-up email at nine.
Nobody said anything was wrong with that email. Nobody has to. Somewhere under the deadline pressure that made sending it feel necessary, you already know it says something different than what you told them. Your team knows it too. They've learned what five o'clock actually means around here, and it isn't five o'clock.
This is how most boundaries actually get set, not in a meeting, not in a handbook, but in the small moments where what you say and what you do either match or don't. A leader tells a new hire to bring questions to someone else, then answers them anyway because it's faster. A leader says their door is always open, then checks the clock every time someone actually walks through it, half-listening while the real work sits untouched behind them. The person on the other side of that door learns fast, even if nothing is ever said about it out loud. A leader asks for direct feedback, then goes quiet for a week after getting some. None of these are dramatic. All of them teach.
Brené Brown, in Rising Strong, defines a boundary as simply what's okay and what's not okay. It's a clean definition, and it exposes something leaders don't love hearing: a boundary you state but don't live isn't a boundary. It's a suggestion, and your team already knows the difference.
In APA's 2023 Work in America survey, more than a quarter of workers, 26%, agreed that their employer did not respect their personal boundaries. That gap rarely comes from a written policy failing. It comes from a leader's daily behavior quietly overriding their own stated one.
Leaders in this spot often chalk it up to being too accommodating, too much of a helper by nature. That explanation is comforting because it keeps the problem personal and the character flattering. It also lets the real behavior keep happening, unexamined, week after week.
Naming this in yourself carries its own quiet discomfort, a low hum of recognition. You already know which boundary it is. You've probably known for a while.
Where in your own week does your behavior say something different than what you've told your team?
A few ways to test this with your team this month:
Notice one boundary you've stated out loud that your daily behavior quietly contradicts.
Pick one and close the gap this week, out loud, not just in your own head.
Watch whether your team's behavior shifts once yours actually does. Old habits take a beat to catch up, on both sides.
Ask someone what they've noticed about your boundaries lately, and listen for where your intent and their experience don't match.
None of this requires a new system. It requires noticing what your daily behavior is already teaching, and deciding if that's the lesson you meant to give.
If any of this resonates, we'd love to talk. Reach out to the Leadership Delta team and let's start the conversation.
About the Author
Laura Boyd | Founder, Leadership Delta
Laura Boyd is a leadership development strategist with 30+ years of experience helping organizations retain top talent and develop high-performing teams. She holds a Master's in Organizational Leadership and is the author of Words that Work for Leaders. Laura is a (Real) Power 50 honoree, recognized by Minnesota Business Magazine, and the founder of Leadership Delta, where she works with mid-market organizations to build leadership capacity from the inside out.
Master's in Organizational Leadership · Published Author · (Real) Power 50 Honoree, Minnesota Business Magazine · LinkedIn